The Raid
by SpyVsTailor
Summary: A broke and bored Scarecrow knows the only way to numb that brilliant mind of the Riddler's is to drown it in alcohol. Somehow Catwoman gets dragged into their little wager and she's not all that willing.


**Why yes, this is a oneshot. I thought I'd throw you kids a bone. Plus the idea popped into my head and stuck. It's not my best work, but it should tide you lot over until I get the next chapter of my Burlap Effigies up and running. I admit, this is ridiculous, poorly edited and hastily thrown together, but at least it's something.  
**

* * *

It all began with too many empty glasses scattered across their tabletop in a dark corner of the Iceberg Lounge.

Jonathan Crane in his off-handed way, made a smart-assed remarked to Edward Nygma over his eleventh black velvet that had started the ball rolling.

"I don't think you're as good at crime as you claim," he stated.

Edward downed the last drop of his scotch neat and placed the glass on the coaster provided by their itty-bitty, little waitress with the shortly cropped blonde hair that looked more boyish than cute and sighed. "Really? What's your grading method when it comes to that?"

"I mean it. The mere fact that while you may be good with a puzzle, you don't have the graceful hands of a thief and that makes you sub-par when it comes to crime."

"Stealing?" Edward demanded, ordering another drink from the waitress by sticking up a finger and pointing to the table before him. "Stealing's easy."

"Taking something that isn't yours is easy. Sneaking into a place, getting past security without being detected is the hard part."

"I don't have to prove myself to you, Jonathan." Edward stated.

"But you're going to."

"But I'm going to!" He exclaimed, tapping his pointer finger on the wooden tabletop between them. "I shouldn't have my methods questioned by a _sub-par_ criminal like yourself."

"Easy now, Edward. I was merely pointing out fact that you can't tone down your act long enough to go unnoticed, that makes you inferior to us other criminals."

The Riddler narrowed glassy blue eyes at his friend through the purple domino mask he wore. "The only reason you're still alive is the fact that you provide me with hours of stimulating conversation. But I've killed greater men for less."

"And I'm certain you put a carnival flare on that as well." Crane replied dryly.

"What do you want me to do, Jonathan? Hm? Go to Fort Knox and clear it out? Will that prove my abilities to you? Because I have to admit, I don't want any of that detritus." He rested his elbow on the table and leaned his chin heavily into his hand. "Besides, I don't want to go to Kentucky."

The waitress returned with his order and began to clear the empty glasses up.

"Away wench!" Crane snarled darkly, sending the young woman scurrying.

"The only good things that came out of there are…fried chicken and…a reason for Bill Monroe's family to keep getting residuals."

"Hm?" Crane asked, sipping his black velvet idly.

"Kentucky, it's…it just is. It is the prime example of existence."

"What now?"

The Riddler waved his hand, chasing the topic away.

After a few moments of silence, Edward cleared his throat. "What were we discussing?"

"You were going to raid Selina Kyle's apartment for some very specific items." Crane pointed out.

"Was I?" Edward finished his scotch and loosened his tie.

"When you can prove to me that you can thieve from a thief, then I'll rescind my judgement of you."

For the longest, most uncomfortable moment Edward Nygma merely stared at Crane, swaying ever so in his seat.

"Okay."

* * *

"Blue moon of Kentucky keep on shining," he sang softly as they ambled their way through the back alley, heading in the direction of the Palace Apartment complex. "Shine on the one that's gone and left me blue."

They paused at the base of a fire escape and peered up, way up to the fifth floor.

"Are you sure you don't want to wait until you're a little steadier on your feet?" Crane asked.

"I'm fine," Edward growled. "Better in fact, because I'm just that good."

Crane scoffed. "Right, well, here's your list."

The Riddler snatched the list and sniffed in derision at his friend. "Easy peasy."

"_Easy peasy_?"

"Mock me if you will, but I'm so confident that I'll walk away with this list that I'm willing to put all my money on this."

"All of it?" Crane inquired.

"Yes."

"If you say so, my friend. Godspeed." Crane said, leaping up to grab hold of the iron ladder and pulling it down.

Edward mounted it, hand missing the rung a few times, before he began his ascent.

Beneath him Crane smirked darkly at his friend's ass. "Ah, alcohol, the great leveller of genius."

* * *

Above Crane Edward was grumbling to himself as he crept up the dark fire escape, heading for the fifth floor and Selina Kyle's window.

Missing a step, he staggered forward, but pushed himself up off the stairs so quickly, he reeled backwards and bent over the railing.

"Careful!" Crane called up.

"Shh!" Edward warned him loudly, flailing his hand.

As he continued to creep up higher, he continued to mumble to himself.

Pausing near a window with a child staring out at him, Edward swayed and scowled at the brat. Wasn't it late? Shouldn't he be in bed? Irresponsible parents.

The little pug faced rat crossed his eyes and stuck his tongue out at him.

Dusting non-existent dirt from his shoulders, Edward adjusted his gloves and sneered. He'd be damned if he got into a face making contest with a mere child.

He went on, still unsteady on his feet.

On the fourth floor he knocked a terracotta plant pot off a window ledge and it fell onto the grating of the fire escape, spilling soil down onto the alley.

"Damn it, Edward!" Crane growled up at him.

"Retribution," he replied to himself. For what he was unsure.

By the time he reached the fifth floor, he had to pause and think. What did he come here for? Where the hell was he?

He stumbled and fell against the window ledge, hand gripping the side.

"What was I doing again?" He called down to Crane.

He was a black ant against the sparkling asphalt that was the alley. "God damn it, Edward!"

"Shut up! I remember!" He patted his chest where the list rest inside his jacket. He was on a mission to defend his good name as a crime lord.

He stared at the window before him absolutely still, nose about an inch from the glass, before he inhaled deeply and began.

Removing his glove, he licked his finger and tested the wind.

It didn't have anything to do with what he was about to attempt, he just suddenly had an urge to know where the wind was blowing from.

Replacing his glove, he set about his task, reaching into his pocket for the little lock pick kit he kept on hand at all times.

Half of his utensils dropped out of their compartments making musical tings and pings on their way down through the metal grating.

"You're useless!" Crane shouted up.

"Utinam barbari spatula…spa…spi…" he finished the molested Latin insult with a careless drop of his hand in Crane's direction.

Turning back to the window with the right tool for picking a lock, he jerked his chin.

The window didn't have a lock.

Wrinkling his nose, he pressed his face against the window and attempted to peer inside.

He couldn't see anything living, but he could see enough to know that it was Selina's bedroom window he was standing at.

Edward chuckled. If he had come dressed as a cat he wondered if she'd buy the rouse. Then he'd knock her over the head with a vase and make off with the loot.

He fumbled for the list.

What was the loot anyways?

Steadying himself by leaning his shoulder against the window frame, he eyed the list.

Why the hell was Gotham always so goddamned dark?

He pushed his face in closer to the list.

"And then the apocalypse came and went." Crane pointed out sarcastically from directly behind him.

Edward jumped. "Christ, Jonathan!"

"Are you going to prove me wrong or are you going to wait out here until you sober up because you can't pull this heist drunk?"

"I'm not drunk. I've never thought more clearly in my life." Edward scoffed. "Watch a master at work."

He shoved the list back into his pocket and easily broke the window with his elbow.

"Selina's a criminal. She wouldn't have an alarm system." He pointed out smugly.

At that moment a very large, very angry cat hissed at them from inside the bedroom, arching its back.

Both men leapt back from the window with a collective, undignified 'gah'.

Crane recovered first. "Go on."

Loosening his tie until it fell from around his neck, he handed it off to the Scarecrow. "Watch me, Jonathan."

Knocking the glass out from around the window, sobering a little from the fright and the cool night air, Edward stuck a long leg into the room and cautiously ducked inside the apartment.

He took the long, long way around the hissing cat, reaching for the list.

Too busy paying attention to the cat with his eyes, the list with his hands, he slammed his hip into her vanity and doubled over.

Perfume bottles and lady things the likes of which he couldn't even begin to guess what they were fell to the floor.

The cat took that moment to pounce, attaching itself to his leg and yowling.

Outside in the window, Crane was doubled over too laughing harder than Edward had ever heard the man laugh before.

He wrenched the cat off him and tossed it back onto the bed, where it hunched down and continued to growl low in its throat at him, tail flicking, ears back.

Pulling the list out, he perused it.

_Whisk, one can of tuna, her left shoe..._

"Her panties, Jonathan?"

"What would be the point of this being a panty raid if you didn't get her panties?" He asked calmly.

The Riddler paused long enough to gaze at Crane. He wasn't sure he heard him correctly.

_Did he just say 'panty raid'?_

"Don't forget, you have _everything_ riding on this." The Scarecrow reminded.

"I'm beginning to sober up enough to realize that you need me to pistol whip you later."

"Come now, Edward. Give me some credit." Crane replied. "I know you're not easy to fool unless you've had a few in you and to be honest I never got the chance to join a fraternity in my younger days. I wanted to enjoy some of the low brow amusement that many of my classmen enjoyed."

"Well then, logically, shouldn't you be the one in here raiding the undergarments."

"Logically yes, but Selina would hurt me terminally if she caught me and I couldn't risk it."

"So? Raid another underwear drawer that doesn't belong to Selina Kyle." Edward objected.

"Too late, the die has been cast, get raiding or I win all your money." Crane stated firmly, folding his arms.

Edward took a minute to process the betrayal, before shrugging. "Well, I am already inside. May as well steal some things."

Turning to his right, he began to rummage through her things, filling out the requests on the list from her bedroom first.

He was elbows deep in lace and satin ladies things, his head stuck inside a beautiful walnut bureau, when he found picture of some muscle bound meat-head at the beach at the bottom of the drawer.

Turning with the photograph, he smirked. "This has to be-"

Selina Kyle crouched in her broken window, violet eyes fiery.

"Watcha doin'?" She asked.

Crane was nowhere in sight and Edward (a little more sober) cursed him to hell. However, since he was still drunk enough that his mind was turning slower than normal, a good excuse escaped him and he froze for a moment in utter terror, the photograph fluttering from his hands to the floor.

She hopped into her apartment gracefully.

He blinked, coming back to his senses and cringed, looking around in bewilderment. "This isn't Narnia!" He started quickly towards the little hall that lead to her door. "Well, that is the last time I step into an unknown wardrobe!"

Pain circled his ankle and his leg was pulled out from under him.

Landing face first on the carpet in her hall, he was burned severely as Selina dragged him back with the aid of her whip, a heavy boot was placed in the middle of his back and she stepped on him.

"Are you stealing from me, Eddie?"

"I think I left some of my face on your hall carpet," he muttered into the floor. "I apologize for that."

Sitting on him, Selina hooked her whip around his neck and craned his spine so that she could whisper in his ear. "Are you stealing from me?"

Edward, now bent in the form of a generous U, croaked. "Well, yes technically, but technically you've stolen half this stuff yourself, so I'm only carrying on the traditi-awk!" He squawked as she strangled him a little.

Curling her whip around her hands, Selina slowly cut off his air flow. "I don't appreciate the gesture."

He tried to respond, but found it came out as a gargling death rattle.

"I'm going to loosen this," she purred in his ear. "Because I want an explanation as to why you were digging through my unmentionables before I kill you. But get smart with me and I'll forget about my plans. Got it?"

He nodded the best he could and gasped in air as she released her grip on him.

"To be honest, dear girl," he began in a raspy tone. "I'm a little drunk."

"There had better be more to that story," she growled.

Not wanting to admit he was outwitted (though he was drunk at the time), he searched his mind for a good reason as to why he was in her bedroom going through her panties.

"And I needed something with an elastic in it to complete a device I'm working on." He explained.

So, he was possibly still a little drunk, because that sounded more plausible in his mind.

She tightened the whip a little in preparation for the kill and the Riddler was forced to think fast with what remained of his intellect.

"Wait!" He gasped. "I…I have something very important to tell you before you kill me."

The whip was loosened again.

"Uh…I…can't stop thinking about you." He began cautiously.

When she remained still, he hurriedly went on.

"The truth is I came to leave you a clue…uh where you'd find it." He cleared his throat. "You see, I was planning this grand romantic gesture by leading you to this beautiful place where I was planning on announcing my affections for you, but you interrupted my work and…well now I'm a little embarrassed."

She rested her forearm on his shoulder and dangled over to peer at him. "Do you honestly expect me to believe that story?"

"I'm hoping you might."

"I don't believe you."

"Well, it was worth a try." He stated.

"However," she went on. "I'll let you walk out of my apartment with your dignity, your life and your balls, if you do a few things for me." Pushing up off of him, she moved to get between him and his easy exit.

Edward picked himself up and brushed himself off. "Oh? Well, let's never say I wasn't one to play a game."

"Take off your jacket," she commanded, resting her hip against the wall by the broken window, whip still in hand.

Quirking a brow he opened his mouth, but she cut him off.

"Take it off," she ordered firmly.

He shrugged out of it, folding it neatly and setting it on the bed by the angry cat.

Selina smirked a wicked little smirk. "Good, now the shirt."

"I'm sorry?"

"Take off the shirt, Eddie."

"Edward, please. And why?"

She crossed her arms. "Do you want to live or die, _Ed_?"

Furrowing his brow, he quietly obeyed, unbuttoning his shirt and placing it with his jacket. He stood awkwardly in his undershirt, picking at his gloves.

"Figures you'd be old school enough to wear an undershirt, Eddie. Take that off too."

He licked his bottom lip. "Selina, now you're just tearing away my dignity. You promised you'd let me leave with it."

"Oh, you'll get it back before we're done." She purred. "Lose the shirt."

Hesitating, he placed a finger to his chin, before swiftly removing his bowler and tossing it onto the bed. He got a small sense of satisfaction when it startled the mean cat away into another room. Nervously, he tugged his undershirt up and over his head, adding it to the pile.

Her smirk widened into a cat-like grin. "Hm, you're not as scrawny as I thought you'd be. Flex for me."

"What?"

"I said flex. Your muscles. For me. Now." She growled.

"This is highly inappropriate, Selina dear. Can't you just give me a pass this time? For old time's sake?"

"Eddie, I come home to find you elbow's deep in my lacy things, I think this is a mild punishment in comparison to the crime. Flex."

He pocketed his hands in his trouser pockets and tried diplomacy. "In case you haven't realized, my dear, I'm not an entry in Mr. Universe. I don't quite know how to flex or what I'm flexing."

"Then drop and give me twenty." She stated, eyes on his stomach.

He followed her gaze to his navel and flushed a little, hands moving to cover it. "I doubt I could give you ten," he joked.

Her whip cracked sharply in the night air by his head and he dropped to his stomach with a grunt.

"Count them out," she commanded, moving to stand by him.

"One," he murmured, pushing up. "Two," he added, before muttering, "you're a sadist."

She knelt by his head and cooed in his ear. "That's why I have the whip."

A clawed hand touched his bicep as he attempted his push up's, distracting Edward from the task.

"Hmm, you have nicely toned arms, Ed." She whispered as she squeezed. "They look so big and strong."

"Six. Mockery really isn't helping the situation, kitten." He snarled.

Her hand paused and she tilted her head. "Watch the tone and keep counting." She rest her whip against his back, reminding him of her power.

Edward, properly embarrassed, kept on like a trooper, waiting for his moment to flee. He was still planning on using the pistol on Crane later, but the goddamned Scarecrow would be lucky if he only got whipped with it.

When he finally reached twenty, he collapsed onto the floor.

"Hm, that was nice."

"Are we done?" He asked, pushing to his feet.

She laughed. "Not even close." Running the length of her whip through her hand, she began to circle him like a vulture. "I think, since you wanted my panties so badly, that you should pick a pair and try them on for me."

His head nearly snapped off as he turned to face her. "Pardon?"

Her coiled whip hit his stomach hard enough to get his attention, but not hard enough to welt.

"Not the purple lacy pair, though." She said. "Those are my lucky panties."

"Selina, let's discuss this rationally, please?"

Pulling off her mask, she tossed it onto the bed with his clothes and began taking the bobby pins out of her hair, letting it down. "Okay, Edward, let's talk shop. You broke my window, rifled through my stuff and now you're my little bitch." She ran a clawed hand through her long black hair, shaking it loose.

"It was Crane's idea," Edward said, his mind suddenly working at eighty-five percent and climbing.

"Oh?" She touched a hand to his stomach, just over his belly button. By the way she held her hand, she was preparing to claw. "Why?"

"I don't know. He paid me well to bring him a pair of your underwear. I think he has a sick fetish."

_Ha! Take that you string-bean bastard!_

"What?" She demanded, hand clenching, diamond tips touching his pale flesh.

Edward steeled himself, preparing for one hell of a lie. "The money was too good to pass up."

"You wouldn't be lying to me, would you?" She purred, leaning against him to whisper in his ear.

"At this moment? I'm too terrified you'll flay me alive to lie." He lied.

She nipped his earlobe and he cringed, but kept his resolve.

"I'm terribly sorry, Selina. But you know what it's like when an opportunity comes up for a quick buck."

Angling his face, he bumped noses with her. "But if you want," he went on, hand reaching out to toy with the pull on the front of her suit, "you can model those little purple undies of yours for me."

Perhaps his senses weren't completely back in order, as that seemed the wrong thing to say and do at that particular moment.

Selina dug her claws into his side and grunted, shying away quickly, tearing the wounds wider as he escaped her attack.

She stood in the dark eyeing him, blood dripping from her claws, face unreadable.

"Well, this has been one hell of a night," he went to touch his bowler, forgetting he was nearly naked and backed away, heading for the hall. "I've certainly learned my lesson about taking wooden nickels. Goodnight."

Behind him that hellcat of her's yowled in the doorway and he leapt back towards the centre of the room, turning in mid-air to eye the beast.

"We're not done yet, Ed." Selina said from right behind him.

He yelped and jumped back in the direction of the hellcat.

Selina stepped towards him and he prepared to die with a modicum of dignity.

Instead she removed her gloves and settled her bare hand over his wounds, a less threatening look in her eyes. "Pick out a pair of underwear or I will." She quirked a dark brow. "And I won't be as kind to you as you'd be to yourself."

He swallowed thickly. "Is there, perhaps, anything else I could do to get out of this with my dignity?"

"Did Crane really put you up to this?" She whispered, nose barely touching his.

"Yes."

"You're going to pay me for my window, right?" She went on, curling an arm around his neck.

"Of course."

Edward cleared his throat. "Do I...must I wear the underthings?"

She sighed. "Not tonight."

He beamed his maniacal grin at her and drew away. "Well, that settles things then!"

"I'm not done with you though," she called out after him.

He stopped at the doorway to her bedroom and turned to find her perched on the bed, hand drawing the pull of her suit down a little, legs crossed primly.

"Your clothes?" She suggested, smiling softly.

Edward chuckled. "Of course."

Stepping over to retrieve them from the bed, he found she snatched them up quickly and tossed them out the broken window with an evil grin.

"Thank you," he said.

"Double pane, _Eddie_." She reminded him in a sing-song tone as he climbed out the window.


End file.
